Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
