The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
