i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
