At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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