omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
