just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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