i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
