I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
