Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
