I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
