she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
