I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
