my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
