Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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