I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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