what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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