You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
