What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Congratulations! We have a period
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
