just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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