i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
