I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
