I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
