I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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