so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
