I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just cut my nipple shaving
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
