I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just want to make out with him forever
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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