please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
