The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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