I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
