Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
