8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
