you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You are the jesus of drinking
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
