So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
