You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
