im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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