I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
