Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
