"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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