I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
