quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I deserve to be covered in dicks
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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