im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
