I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
