after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
