Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
