im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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