Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She tied me up with her honor cords...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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