Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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