I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
