Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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