I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
